So a mockingbird has taken up his perch at the tippy-top of our tallest mesquite tree in the back yard. I have spied him there and threatened him, at least in my mind, with no end of evil, starting with throwing a rock at him and spiraling ever darker from there.
Why? Because he just will. not. shut. up. Will not. All day, he runs through his repertoire of other birdcalls and the occasional cellphone ringtone, again and again. All night, he does the same. I honestly don’t know how he’s not winded, or at least woozy from hyperventilation. He’s been at it non-stop for at least a week; in fact, he’s at it now, and the internet tells me there’s no end in sight (or hearing), because he is looking for his life-long mate, and will keep it up until she finally shows up.
It seems to me that if she were going to, she would’ve turned up by now, because if a week of non-stop singing didn’t float her boat, I’m not really sure what else he has to offer. He’s a mockingbird. He has one move.
But I want to take my avian Lloyd Dobler aside and say, “Hey, mockingdude…standing in my yard, singing your tunes pretty indiscriminately, (not to mention desperately), to the entire neighborhood, is clearly not a winning strategy for you. A guy standing on a corner screaming ‘Hey ladies! I’m available! Check out my mad beats, yo! Ladies! Ladies? LADEEEEEEEEZ!’ on an endless 24/7 loop is generally met with suspicion and fear, and given wide berth. You have basically left 9,000 messages on her voicemail, and the fact that she’s not calling you back doesn’t mean you should leave 9,000 more. Worst-case scenario, you may have to move back home into the basement of your parents’ nest. At minimum, this is probably not the neighborhood for you. Who knows? Maybe this neighborhood is the mockingbird equivalent of a gay bar, and no one else here is the least bit interested in buying what you’re selling. Time to move on to someone else’s tree.”
Seriously. PLEASE move on to someone else’s tree. Because while it may be a sin to kill a mockingbird, I kinda want to.