Posted in Body Politics, Commentary, Growing up/old, Memory Lane

“THE NOW POST! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR BLOGETTES – JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!”

Dear Toilet Paper Manufacturers, in particular Procter and Gamble, maker of my preferred TP, Charmin:  Everyone can see it, you know.  You’re not fooling us; not even a little bit.  We all have noticed that you took about 3/4″ off the width of the roll.  You thought you were going to get away with it, but the truth is, we’re just too polite to say anything.  But I have to admit, it hurts a little that you’re cutting corners like that (well, not corners…it’s a roll…circles don’t have corners, but you know what I mean) when a 9-roll pack of TP these days requires a home equity loan.  Which is pretty jerkeriffic on your part.  But we’re over a barrel.  It’s not like we’re going to use store brand.  We’re not animals.

***

Evidently Alyssa Milano has taken some flak for some breastfeeding pictures she published somewheres on the internet (they showed up on my Facebook feed…or maybe everyone’s Facebook feed).  Rather than telling people to get over it; rather than telling people that breasts actually have a natural purpose far and away more useful than receiving the ogling of unsubtle straight men and lesbians, she decides to set up an unnecessary comparison between her boob and Kim Kardashian’s ass, asking why people are offended by breastfeeding and not offended by Kim’s nudity.  (Which is a questionable premise anyway; I’m sure plenty were offended by Kim’s bare ass, and plenty weren’t offended by her breastfeeding boob.)  But…way to throw a sister under the bus, Alyssa!  Perhaps it would’ve been more awesome of you to take on the puritanical patriarchy–which is your actual problem-by saying it’s none of anyone’s goddamned business how a woman chooses to use or display her body, rather than reinforcing the whole Madonna/whore thing for the gajillionth time. Nudity should not be inherently offensive, and we should question hard the idea that it is, because it does us all so much damage.  Nude bodies are not sexual by default; they have to be doing something sexual to be sexual–it’s a simple rule of thumb.  While we’re at it, let’s get over the idea that anything sexual is inherently offensive.  I am not offended by nudity; not anyone’s.  Everybody’s got a body.  And we’re all pretty well-versed as to what having a human body, male or female, involves, when it comes to sex; gender presentation might put an interesting spin on things, but still, everything’s well within the scope of what human bodies might possess.  Seeing someone naked is rarely a complete surprise in terms of what they’ve got going on.  “Oh hey!  An adult woman with boobs!  Wasn’t expecting that!”  “Whoa…man with a penis…I need a few moments to process that!”  Can we just accept the reality of human bodies and move on with our lives already?  Sheesh.

***

It is my 43rd birthday today, and I’m not happy about it.  Not because I’m aging; I’m fine with that.  I just don’t like odd numbers.  And I REALLY don’t like prime numbers.  They seem so unyielding to me.   I’m already looking forward to my next birthday.  44 is a great number–it’s even; it’s palindromic and repetitive; it has factors.  These are all things I dig. Yes, I realize this is weird.

My folks gave me a huge collection of photos of my younger self for my birthday, including the one below.  This is me on my first birthday.  I pretty much look like this with every birthday cake since.  YAY CAKE!

kbday_0001

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Author:

I've been doing some form of creative writing since 9th grade, and have been a blogger since 2003. Like most bloggers, I've quit blogging multiple times. But the words always come back, asking to be written down, and they pester me if I don't. So here we are. Thanks for reading.

3 thoughts on ““THE NOW POST! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR BLOGETTES – JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!”

  1. Yes — yay, cake!! 🙂 Too funny on disliking the mathematical conundrum of the number 43 but looking forward to 44. With a fourth grader who often has to list out factors, I chuckled at your lament. 🙂

    Hope your 44th revolution around the sun is better than ever! Happy day of birth to you!!

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