Posted in Creations

The Shambler, by Rick Grimes (with apologies to Don Schlitz and Kenny Rogers)

season-5-cast-shot-leaked-walking-dead-season-5-set-photos-show-a-world-that-s-burning

So 4 years ago or so, Scott was excited to watch this new show called The Walking Dead.  “Zombies!” he said.   He was very excited about the zombies.  I’m not sure if I ever gave it a fair shot during the premiere, but if I watched it at all, it was a short, horrifying stint in front of the TV.  It was so unbelievably gross, these zombies.  “They spent their entire budget on gross-out makeup!” I complained.  And the noises…ugh.  So it came to pass that when Scott watched The Walking Dead, I would absent myself, if not from the house, at least from the room.  I’d hide out in my office, with the door shut, and crank my music or my amp up loud enough to drown out the zombie racket.  He didn’t make me watch Walking Dead; I didn’t make him watch Nashville.  In this way, we kept the peace in our marriage.

As the years passed, I became less and less sensitive to the weekly presence of disgusting zombies in my living room. Where at first I’d shield my eyes as I walked from my office through the living room to the kitchen while he was watching it, I stopped bothering.  Somehow, the fakeness of the zombies finally settled in my consciousness, and despite their continued overwhelming grossness, it didn’t bother me so much.  And Scott would tell me the plot of some of the episodes, and as a human drama, it sounded fascinating.  And towards the end of the 4th season, I found myself settling into a chair during the less disgusting parts, getting sucked in.  So when our Sunday night group was looking for a new show to watch, he suggested he’d be interested in watching it from the beginning again, and we all agreed to give it a try.  We all agreed it was fascinating, yet brutal, but in the end, we moved on to something else after the surprise savage murder of a favorite character.  And Scott and I watched the last half of season 4 on our own in a 1-day, 8-hour binge, and then lamented the 2-month wait until the start of new season.

Our wait has ended, because Rick Grimes and the gang are back TONIGHT!  In honor of this occasion, I have crafted the following parody incited by an offhand comment I made to the mister last week, which shows an unprecedented amount of follow-up on my part, if I may say so myself.  You may click on the title if you wish to enjoy a multimedia experience.

The Shambler

On a warm summer’s eve on horse bound for Atlanta

I met up with the shambler; we were both dead on our feet

So we took turns astarin’ ‘cross the distance in between us

I saw it as a rotting corpse and it saw me as meat

 

It said, ¨Son, I’ve made a death out of eatin’ people’s faces

Leaving the nose for last and starting with their eyes

So if you don’t mind my sayin’ I can see you’re short on ammo

For a taste of your kidney I’ll give you some advice

 

So I shot him through the eyeball and he sank down to the asphalt

but the ruckus caught the attention of the herd now turned my way

I should’ve stayed in that coma, I thought as I ran for safety

with apologies to dear Old Paint whom I did betray

 

You gotta know when to hack ‘em, know when to whack ‘em

know when to shoot ‘em up, know when to run

You never count on safety when you hear that spooky music

There’ll be time enough for restin’ when the season’s done

 

Now every human knows that the secret to surviving

is knowing who to send away and knowing who to keep

‘Cause most folks, they’re not winners, and every day’s a loser

and if you’re smart you’ll keep one eye open when you sleep

 

By the time they finished eatin’ I was hastily retreatin’

trying to live another day, not really sure what for,

because this life is the pits, I can barely protect my kids,

just endless days of misery, of hunger, and of gore

 

You gotta know when to hack ‘em, know when to whack ‘em

know when to shoot ‘em up, know when to run

You never count on safety when you hear that spooky music

There’ll be time enough for restin’ when the season’s done

 

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Author:

I've been doing some form of creative writing since 9th grade, and have been a blogger since 2003. Like most bloggers, I've quit blogging multiple times. But the words always come back, asking to be written down, and they pester me if I don't. So here we are. Thanks for reading.

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