Posted in Body Politics, Commentary

No love for the ‘stache

moustaches

I’d like to say a word about mustaches today, because I don’t understand this mustache craze. I don’t understand the fake mustaches. I don’t understand the tiny tattooed index finger mustaches that allow anyone with $40 and an ID stating they’re of legal age to have a permanent instant mustache that they can easily hide if they flash a Vulcan live-long-and-prosper geek gang sign. I don’t understand this company having a whole collection of mustache products, but am especially baffled as to why anyone would want mustache-shaped sandwiches. I don’t understand why Aaron Rodgers and the rest of his Packer buddies are sporting ‘staches c.1972 (as the caption reads) on the cover of ESPN The Magazine, unless it’s cultural assimilation, because I grew up in Wisconsin; you still see a lot of mustaches in that part of the world. Every coach on the Packer bench looks like he could be one of my uncles. Ditto Da Bears.
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When I think of a mustache, I think of my dad. He has had a mustache for pretty much the entirety of my 40 years. I remember one night when I was little walking out into the bathroom, where moments before my father had, unbeknownst to me, shaved off the mustache he’d had as long as I could remember. I couldn’t figure out why my Uncle Tony was in my bathroom, until the situation was explained to me. And he had a full beard for awhile around the time I was in second grade, because he has it in my first communion pictures (along with a stylin’ red suit that was the height of chic in 1979). But otherwise, he’s had a mustache. And I’m good with that. My dad looks good in a mustache; he is my dad with a mustache. I wouldn’t recognize him otherwise.

As far as I’m concerned, my dad can have a mustache. Men my dad’s age or older can have a mustache. Tom Selleck can have a mustache. That’s it.

No, seriously, that’s it. Mustaches belong to different times, or, if I’m feeling generous, different cultures. But in modern-day America, I just don’t understand mustaches on young men. And women, for that matter. Especially the ornate ones. It’s not that I’m anti-facial-hair. I’m a big fan of beards, and a devotee of the goatee, and I swoon for scruff. It’s really just mustaches that bug me; and the more ironic they are, the more I hate them.

And I don’t know why. And nobody should care that I don’t care for mustaches, theirs or on principle, because I’m totally committed to body autonomy, and people doing whatever the hell they want with their bodies. So it’s more than a little ridiculous that I have an opinion, nay, a STANCE on the modern mustache. It’s purely a preference that I suppose stems from having been cognizant of the ’70s while they were happening around me, and probably a natural aversion to finding attractive men who look too much like my dad.

Don’t mind me.  I’m just being unreasonable.

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Author:

I've been doing some form of creative writing since 9th grade, and have been a blogger since 2003. Like most bloggers, I've quit blogging multiple times. But the words always come back, asking to be written down, and they pester me if I don't. So here we are. Thanks for reading.

14 thoughts on “No love for the ‘stache

  1. When I went from goatee to clean shaven a bit ago, I left the mustache for just a minute in the mirror, just for giggles. The first thing that popped in my head was the realization that if I saw me out in public I would grab my children and run. If I saw me outside an elementary school I would phone the police. Some older men can rock the ‘stache but I look like a child predator. Good thing I’ve never worn one. Just thought I’d share 😀

  2. Moustaches through most cultures are a primary sexual characteristic. They have high cred in the gay community, as random pics of the Sydney LGBTetc Mardi-Gras will show. They can be like club badges, the Royal Air Force handlebar moustache for example, or simply a dietary aid for sieving lumps out of soup. Vlad the Impaler had a beauty.

  3. you cant have a goatee without a stache. it’s an integral part of it.

    i’ve thought about going clean shaven recently. i mean it’s been something like 15 years or more since i last shaved it all. i dont know what my chin or upper lip look like anymore.

  4. My dad also had a mustache my entire life. I am also not a fan, though men his age and older are fine (same as you). What threw us all for a friggin’ loop was when the funeral home SHAVED OFF HIS MUSTACHE. I have no idea why they did it. They’d even asked for a photo to get as close to what he looked like in life when they were preparing him. He most definitely had the mustache. My sister also swears he still had the ‘stache at the hospital. It is a mystery why they took it upon themselves to shave off my father’s 45-year-old mustache.

    1. WTF? Because it wasn’t all terrible enough, they changed the man’s face, the one everyone who knew him knew? God, that would make me go ballistic. Did they even say anything to you, or did they just pretend nothing happened?

      1. They pretended nothing happened. I didn’t even notice it at first because, well, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. He’d aged close to 20 years the last 2 months of his life. I didn’t want to remember him that way. My sister is the one who noticed, and it even took her a good 5 minutes or so to place why he looked so different. I don’t know how many other people noticed. Luckily, no one asked me if I was the reason for it ( I would NEVER tell anyone to shave my dad’s mustache). They did notice how old he looked, and not having the mustache definitely added to that.

  5. I have worn a mustache for most of my life. Why? Because the upper lip is something I never learned how to shave without cutting a part of it. I would go clean shaven when I had to do a commercial, or when chemo turned everything wispy. But given the choice, I prefer to not shave because a sharp blade and my tender throat are not a good combination. Since I retired, my razor has been posting on a dating site.

    1. See, now that’s a practical explanation for a mustache that I hadn’t even considered. Thank you. But you’re also of an age where a mustache doesn’t seem strange to me.

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