You know, it really sucks. I’ve been busy preparing for the end of the world in 2012, per Mayan calendar, prophecy, and John Cusack movie. It’s a lot of work, and, really, to do it properly, it will take the full year, but now I am given to understand that I’m not going to have all of 2011 to get all my ducks in a row; it seems that the End Times have been moved up, highly inconveniently, to next week. A preacher named Harold Camping has delivered the news via sermon and billboard that the Rapture is scheduled on a planet very near you and me for May 21st, 2011.
I am totally not ready; I thought I had 7 more months at least! What am I going to wear?
While it’s true that I’m likely to have the extra 153 days allotted to all infidels, other people more certain of their eternal standing have already taken measures I haven’t even started to consider at this point, including quitting their jobs, selling their crap, and budgeting their cash to last just until next Saturday. I admit, I am a little skeptical, and more than a little peeved I didn’t have more advance notice, and I’ll tell you why: every time Scott tells me how much we have in our retirement account, I ask him, “Does that mean we can retire tomorrow?” And he always says, “Sure, as long as we only live six more months.” If only I’d known about this sooner, I might’ve told him to pull the trigger and give notice at work. We could’ve been living so high on the hog, the hog would’ve been a hippopotamus on stilts.
God help those true believers (and he probably won’t, according to them), though, if they’re wrong about their status when it’s Rapture Go-Time, because they’re going to find it pretty darn difficult to get another job to provide them with enough income to stay alive those last 153 days. Any boss with half a brain would recognize that they’re going to have such an acute case of short-timer’s disease that they’d be pretty much worthless in the workplace.
It matters not that the good Rev. Camping has announced the imminent eschaton before and been entirely mistaken. It matters not that many people have announced that Judgment Day was nigh at various points of history, and been left with egg on their faces when the alarm went off the next morning after all. I read about this on the internet; therefore, you know it has to be true. I’d better get busy.