I walked out my front door yesterday morning to find a bit of debris wedged into the bottom of my metal screen door, compliments of the Jehovah’s Witnesses on the corner, I assume. I should probably say at the outset that, religious tract or no, littering on my personal property is unlikely to induce me to give whatever message you’re trying to get to me any consideration whatsoever. The only paper I want to find in my door or on my driveway is legal tender, preferably in large denominations. Barring that, get the hell off my lawn! God called, and he told me to tell you to get a real job.
The flyer’s message? “How can you survive the end of the world?”
I’m not sure they understand the whole “end of the world” concept. After all, if it’s truly the end of the world, there is no surviving to be done. The world is ended. Over. Finis.
I suppose they could be speaking in a spiritual sense, but that’s not really made clear in this “invitation.” They say “you,” and average folks’ understanding of “you” is themselves as they are right now. With no qualifiers in the fine print, one could be excused for thinking that one could just drive one’s SUV chock-full of one’s brood directly into wherever one is expected to survive next, which will most definitely not be Earth, seeing as that world has ended.
Has anyone thought this through? Where are they going to park?
Perhaps the Witnesses are expressing a metaphor so subtle that I just cannot perceive it with the naked eye; or perhaps their PR department leaves something to be desired in the writing skills area. I’m going to go with the latter, myself.
I particularly like the back of the flyer:
We’ve got the photo of an arena filled with the smug, saved students of the coming apocalypse (it was a 2-fer deal with Promise Keepers tickets, I’m sure), and I’m loving the diligent note-taking of the young eschatologist. I really hope she studies hard; it’d be a real bitch to be facing the end times without your crib notes. And about that…if you need crib notes, aren’t you really cheating on the ultimate test? Isn’t Jesus going to be pissed if he shows up, asks you a question to determine whether you’re going to hang with his posse or be cast into the pits of hell with the sinners, heathens, and other fun people, and sees you checking the inside of your wrist for the answer?
Oh, the sad, tasty irony.
This convention promises to cover these important topics:
~Stay Awake as Christian Families
~Know That the End Is Near
~Imitate Jesus’ Example of Watchfulness
~Keep in Expectation, Watching for Jehovah’s Day.
It becomes clear to me why so many Christians are humorless. They’re sleep deprived! And furthermore, they’re in constant expectation of the end of the world. It’s bad enough to have to keep your house clean every day when you’re selling it. These poor people have been keeping their house clean for 128 years. 128 years of expecting the end, and nothin’. Zippo. Bupkus. At that point, don’t you just say “fuck it,” and go play a videogame? I’d have to think a kind, loving messiah would call ahead to let you know he’s coming, right? I’ve got no use for a rude messiah.
Which would make an excellent band name, don’t you think?