Posted in Commentary

What’s a gal gotta do to get arrested around here?

Man, do I have a to-do list to accomplish!

1) Be reborn as an heiress to a hotel fortune.

2) Start drinking heavily on a regular basis.

3) Get myself a DUI arrest.

4) Get put on probation.

5) Violate my probation.

6) Get sent to jail for 3 days once I turn myself in at my leisure.

7) Cry a lot.

And in just 7 easy steps, I, too, can have a 40-day enforced vacation in my home. Now, of course, I don’t have a swimming pool or staff to ply me with cupcakes during my incarceration, and the 3,000’ range on the ankle bracelet would put me in my neighbors’ houses, but I’d hope that wouldn’t preclude my house from use as a jail.

If you suspect I have little sympathy for Paris Hilton’s plight, you’d be correct. However, her story is fascinating as a study in what money and privilege does to people, what celebrity does to those who live it, and to those who watch it. What we have here is a girl who thought the rules didn’t apply to her, who was given several chances, and who finally was called on the carpet to take responsibility. Her name and her bank account don’t enter into it (or they shouldn’t), but apparently Justice is not as blind as we thought she was; maybe just a little near-sighted.

I’m not surprised that Paris Hilton was given several passes after breaking her probation several times. It’s one of the perqs of celebrity; hell, high school sports stars receive similar consideration. I’m not surprised she didn’t want to go to jail and tried hard to get out of it. I’m not surprised that somehow someone finagled a deal and a dubious “medical condition” to get her out of the slammer. What surprised me was that the sheriff who went against the judge’s explicit sentencing orders and sent Hilton home to her own mansion, with all the comforts of home, all the visitors she wanted, and folks sending gifts to the house, thought that no one be bothered by this particular “punishment,” on top of giving her 5 days credit for a mere 3 days served. There is no question that being in jail is unpleasant; but that’s rather the point, which Paris seems to have missed despite her big talk about taking responsibility for her actions.

I’m really not sure what her issue was. Sheesh…with the allowed 3 books a week, a notebook, and a pen, I could do 23 days in solitary standing on my head. Being told to stay home, the only limitation being that I can’t go out past my property line, but everything from take-out to tae kwon do instructors can come in? Sounds a bit like heaven to me. Apparently, it sounded that way to a whole bunch of folks, particularly the ones who put her in jail in the first place, and Paris is, (as she should be), back doing her time in the big house after making a scene on the way to and in court.

I would love to be punished thusly, and am even now planning some sort of minor crime spree expressly designed to result in house arrest. Do you have any idea how much I could accomplish if I was confined to my home? How much guitar could I play? How many songs could I write? How many projects I could finish? How many puppies I could wrassle with? How many naps I could take? How much sitting out in a lawn chair in the back yard, listening to the wee birdies chirp?

Punish me, Mick. I could use the break.



I've been doing some form of creative writing since 9th grade, and have been a blogger since 2003. Like most bloggers, I've quit blogging multiple times. But the words always come back, asking to be written down, and they pester me if I don't. So here we are. Thanks for reading.